Baby wearing isn't just for babies

Why we still wear our 5 year old in the carrier

Babywearing to soothe trauma

Maggie had a very difficult start in life. The healthy physiological home birth we had carefully prepeared for didn't go as we hoped, and I couldn't hold her until her 3rd day, or breastfeed her for five, after she aspirated meconium just before being born with the help of forceps. After the trauma of our separation in NICU, once we brought her home on her 11th day, I followed my instincts to keep her close at all times to give her body and her spirit the safety and co-regulation that she needed to recover, and the connection we both needed to heal.

We are a carrying species

Learning about the benefits of attachment parenting and having an understanding that our infants expect - on a primal level - to be held (all the time!) strengthened our desire to responsively breastfeed, bedshare and babywear. I knew that was the best thing I could do to help us heal - as well as making mothering so much easier! As Dr Rosie Knowles, author of 'Why baby wearing matters' explains "Carrying your baby is essential to their normal physical, psychological and neurological development. Human bodies are adapted to be a carrying species, it is part of our evolutionary history."

Benefits for an older child

- Helping me to feel close to her physically now that she doesn't breastfeed, or want me to cuddle her very often - Supporting her need for security and attachment to me - Helping to regulate her body, particularly when she's unwell - Helping her to feel calm and relaxed when she's feeling agitated and disconnected - Allowing her a space to retreat from an often-overwhelming world - Allowing her to engage with situations where she feels nervous from a position of safety - Making it possible to be close to her whilst keeping my hand's free for other jobs, and helping my other child - Keeping her out of harm's way if I want to, for example on a walk near a busy road or deep water, so I can relax and just enjoy being close with her

Pregnancy interrupted our connection

When I became pregnant with our second daughter, Maggie was 2 and I continued baby wearing her on my back, knowing that it would help give the connection to help ease her anxieties about the big changes coming, especially as pain and aversion during pregnancy limited how we were able to connect through breastfeeding. I grieve the loss of the enjoyable, easy breastfeeding connection we had before that time. After Rosalie was born I could feel Maggie's grief that I couldn't carry her anymore, and could see in her eyes that she'd been replaced. Although my husband was careful to give her chances to still be 'the baby' in the carrier, I knew it wasn't the same. So as soon as I was out of the fourth trimester I started wearing her in the carrier again. I managed to persevere with tandem nursing until Maggie was three, and once our breastfeeding journey came to an end earlier than I had hoped - I knew having physical closeness and connection in the carrier was even more important for both of us.

Giving our toddler a chance to 'be the baby' again

Maggie has taken Rosalie's arrival hard - and I keenly empathise with the insecurity and instability she feels in the world and our family after such a big change. Our relationship has changed since her sister arrived, and she now resists being close to me or comforted by me, as (in her own words) "when you hug me it makes me feel more", but one thing she never refuses is a 'cuddle carry'. When I can see and sense her physical overwhelm, agitation in her spirit, disregulation in her nervous system, and emotional disconnection between us - when she is being provocative, lashing out at her sister, trying to suppress her feelings - I know she will benefit from coming up in the carrier. When she is on my back, I feel her body and her energy settle in a way she rarely does otherwise.

Sometimes I'll just put her in for ten minutes while I do the washing up, or longer while we walk to the shops. Whenever I do, I can immediately feel the relief it brings her - she softens, relaxed, nestles into me. I can tell it gives her some space to emotionally reset, gives her animal body the womb-like squeeze, close contact and rhythmic movement to feel deep-down safe, and allows my energy body to help co-regulate her energy (I think of it like giving her an energetic refresh - soothing away what she doesn't need, and boosting what she needs more of). We recently bought a preschool carrier that is suitable until age 7, and I am proud to say I will keep wearing her for as long as I can. It is a gift to our children that benefits them body, mind and soul. In our family, babywearing definitely isn't just for babies.

Q&A with Maggie

Q. What was it like when mummy couldn't have you in the carrier when Rosalie was born? "It felt like I had to ask daddy to pick me up all the time 'cos I know you couldn't do it. I kept thinking "when is mummy going to be able to carry me again?" Q. What do you like about being in the carrier? "It feels nice like a piggy back but better 'cos I don't have to hold on. I like walking in the carrier so if I'm tired I can just fall asleep. The carrier squeezes me and I feel cosy." "In the daytime I feel safest in the carrier and at nighttime I feel safest under the covers next to mummy." Q. What would you say if someone thought carriers were just for tiny babies? "I'd say, actually they're not. You can just get a bigger carrier! I hope mummy and daddy will keep wearing me in the carrier until I'm a grown up, as long as we can"

How to choose a carrier for an older child

Most standard carriers will fit well until around 2 years, depending on the model. A ‘toddler’ or ‘preschool’ carrier is designed specifically to fit older children, offering support that is generally higher and wider than standard-sized carriers, which is more comfortable when you are carrying 15+kg. Not all carriers are equal - different ones may be labelled toddler but can vary in width and height between brands, and the amount of padding to the shoulders and waistband. Carriers for older children range from less structured designs such as: the Integra (Size 3 fits around 3 - 5 years) the KahuBaby (Toddler fits 18 months - 4 years) and the Izmi (Toddler fits 9 months - 3 years) to more structured carriers such as: - the Lenny Lamb Toddler (fits 12 months - 3 years) and Preschool carrier (fits 18 months - 7 years up to 30kg) - the Tula Toddler (fits 2 years+) and Preschool (from 3 years up to 32kg) - and the Easy Feel Extend Plus (suitable up to 29kg)

When carrying a heavier child it is important to ensure a good fit. Check for things such as whether your carrier is: - well-tightened - waistband level not tilting down when the child is in - shoulder straps fitting well and not too loose - fabric going from child’s knee to knee Seek support from a trained consultant or sling library if you’re finding carrying isn’t comfortable as often small tweaks make a huge difference.